After years of controversy regarding the future of Reston National Golf Course, owners GF Golf Management have announced that they have finally sold the property.
According to a 2015 ruling by the Fairfax County Circuit Court, the land served by the Reston National Golf Course must continue to function as open or recreational space unless rezoned, due in part to outcry from community interest group Rescue Reston.
Inside sources indicate that the property has been purchased by global luxury real estate super-brand, the Trump Organization, and will be redeveloped as the site of the new Trump International Golf Resort. When asked for further details, a spokesperson from GF Golf Management merely confirmed, “Don’t worry, there will still be a golf course, so Rescue Reston will be pleased to get exactly what they’ve been hoping for.”
The investigative team at Modern Reston has obtained leaked redevelopment plans from an anonymous source within the Trump Organization.
Designs of the resort reveal a massive château adorned with the letters T-R-U-M-P, each standing 15 feet high and gilded in high-quality brass. The gold-hued exterior will reflect sparkling lights from sunrise, sunset, and security beacons outside the casino.
Sketches of the hotel interior show glittering chandeliers, marble sculptures, and arched ceilings resplendent with painted frescos. Our inside source explained, “Our developers were loosely inspired by Reston’s architects Clothiel Woodard Smith and Charles Goodman as they designed this Rococo estate.”
The hotel is designed to be large enough to accommodate the substantial influx of Trump tourism that the resort expects to bring to Reston. The long shadows cast by the tower will provide relaxing shade for the charter yacht boathouse, as well as the rest of Lake Thoreau. That shade should reduce the rising water temperatures caused by the huge turbines that will power the resort. Thank goodness for that, because when the lake gets warm, it gets green and nobody likes that.
In addition to the yachts and an 18-hole golf course, resort amenities will include tennis courts, a helicopter pad, an indoor ski hill, a spray tan library, pet psychics, social-media butlers, singing gondoliers, and ample parking. These opulent facilities will bring over 600 opportunities for minimum-wage employment to the Reston area.
A luxury restaurant will serve caviar nuggets and herbed ducktoast. Guests and their Eastern European brides will also be able to select from several Virginia wines. Wine from Trump’s Charlottesville vineyards will not be on the menu, though, because Trump Wine doesn’t sell well in this region. “I mean, come on. You know that’s like some $5 wine,” President Barack Obama once remarked about it.
Modern Reston contacted Reston Association and Rescue Reston for comment regarding this turn of events. A Reston Association spokesperson commented that the large shadows cast upon most residences in South Reston will reduce household cooling costs in the summer months, and described it as a “win-win for developers and the environment.” Rescue Reston seemed to be more reluctant, with a representative suggesting, “Maybe we should have been more specific.”
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